“I’m kind of dreading uni, the whole making friends part. Being so used to the same group of people for 13 years and the BAM! a whole new set of faces with people you share nothing in common with.”
This was recently posted by a new university student on a forum thread discussing first year nerves. And it seems to be a pretty consistent fear or concern – every.single.year. If you think about it, it’s totally understandable. High school might have been a bit of a safety net for you, even if you didn’t realise it at the time. Same people every day, same classrooms every day, same teachers every day. Same routine. Familiarity.
And then (in your mind) comes the big, bad world of university, where everybody hates everybody, you’re always embarrassingly late to classes, and assignments are insanely difficult.
Obviously, that “(in your mind)” bit is important, because that’s just not the case at all. You have every right to be concerned or whatever else about uni. But there’s no need to be super concerned because honestly, settling into a new routine and meeting new people is all part of the fun. For everyone. Here’s some of our advice.
Give it time.
Firstly: don’t be too disheartened if it gets to week four and you haven’t made any close friends. Or if it gets to the end of your first semester. Or if it gets to the end of your first year.
We don’t say that to be dour, but realistic. Making friends can be hard, and it can take time. This doesn’t mean that people don’t like you, or even that you’re doing anything wrong. Sometimes it’s just that simple: it takes time. But perseverance pays off, and that’s where the following tactics can really be useful.
Start early.
Okay, so: here’s the thing. Scared? So is everybody around you. Lost? So are they. Feel like you’re out of place? Them, too.
Everybody else is in the same situation as you, and they’re probably feeling very similar things! And so, making conversation with them will probably make them relieved, even if they seem really scary at first.
You should probably start early in the semester, when everybody else is feeling equally clueless. Making friends in a unit (a subject) early is grouse, because a) it gives you somebody to sit with in class, and b) it gives you somebody to actually talk about the subject with. You can share ideas, and it makes the whole thing a fair bit easier come peak times (like exams!).
Easier said than done, right? How do you actually do that, and make that connection? Well, here’s one pretty simple way:
Week 1: “Hey, I’m [name] – nice to meet you.”
That’s it. Come week two, you have somebody you know by name. Say hi again. Sit next to them. Make a comment about the subject, or whatever else. The next week, do the same thing. All of a sudden – wow, a friend!
In some degrees, you will have more of a defined cohort than others, and this might have an impact on dynamics. But if you’re studying a very flexible degree, like Arts or Science, it’s quite possible you’ll have a unit with somebody in your first semester, and never have a unit with them again. Very sad! So try to grab their contact details when you’re both comfortable enough to do so, and organise to catch up for coffee or something before class one week. Doing things outside of class will help to consolidate the friendship, and make it more likely to endure even without the shared context of class. It’s much harder to do this if you’re starting the process in the final week of the semester!
Ask questions.
If you’re not that confident with conversations and social interaction and stuff (you’re definitely not alone), one thing you can do is just ask a heap of questions. Not so many that you’re just peppering people with questions as though they’re ammunition, but just probing to keep the conversation flowing.
It’s great at uni, because you suddenly have this absolutely golden question that applies to everybody: “so – what are you studying?”, or: “so – what subjects are you taking?”
From there, you can probe further. “Oh, have you always wanted to do that?” “Do you enjoy those subjects?” “What made you want to do that?” And before you know it, you’re mid-conversation with a complete stranger, but you’re actually getting to know them pretty well. You might also find it easier speaking about somebody else rather than yourself, which can be a little awkward at times! Big win.
Clubs and stuff.
You might have heard about the mythical university club. For some of the larger unis, what they say is true: there’s pretty much a club for anything – and if there’s not, you can make one easily enough. Love chocolate? Join the chocolate appreciation club! Enjoy board games? There’s a club for that, too!
Sort of by nature, joining clubs you’re interested in is likely to hook you up with other people with similar interests. In that sense, it makes sense to join them – there are people just waiting for you who share your enthusiasm for Harry Potter, or your passion for beach volleyball.
But the thing is, heaps of people join clubs. Fewer people actually engage with them, and that’s where they fall down. It’s all well and good to have the membership card of the linguistics club, but how are you going to make friends if you never go to the events or get to know the people? You’re not – and that’s why our advice isn’t just to join clubs (which you should), but also to engage with the clubs. It’s a two-step process. It’s pretty intuitive, but you don’t just magically acquire friends (Accio friends!) without some sort of effort.
And some context.
Different people want different things from their university experiences, and that’s totally sweet. If you’ve read up to this point and are thinking, “cool – but to be honest, I’m not really that interested in making friends at uni,” then all the power to you! There’s no obligation to be social, or to go to parties, or to strike up conversation. There’s no obligation whatsoever. And if you feel way more comfortable just doing your own thing at uni, then cool – do that!
It would be a shame to cruise through uni and not make friends just because you can’t be bothered, though. The effort pays off, and you pretty much always get as much back as you put it. Make it your goal to make a friend or two in your first semester; you won’t regret it!
